A friend once told me that I should go after what makes me happy.  However, there are consequences to your actions and if you are not willing to deal with the consequences then maybe you are not ready to be happy.  My friend also told me that I deserve to be happy and that being happy is a choice.  With my choice to be happy comes my fear.

My fear is not being able to find someone that will love me for me.  All of me.   My insecurities, my fears, my weakness, my jealousy, my arrogance,  my drinking, my smoking, my weight, my cooking, my affection, my sex, my intelligence, my love.  All of me.  I don’t know if I will ever find someone that will fit the bill.  If I do, will it be too late? 

I am content.  Content is just another word for settling.  I have settled for things my entire life.  I  am content with some choices and others I would love to change yet I don’t feel that I am ready for the consequences.  However, I do know that i am tired of settling. 

I feel the winds of change, yet fear it may be a hurricane that will tear me apart.

My 25th hour was not as extravagant as Monty Brogans'.  I am not going to prison for seven years, actually I may not even be gone a year, but at that moment; I felt his pain.  Saying goodbye is a difficult thing for me.  It usually involves a really ugly face and plenty of Kleenex.

I had to say goodbye to a few Frank's, a few Jacob's and a Naturelle.  The Frank's and Jacob's were difficult, the Naturelle even harder.  Warm embraces, plenty of tears, and written notes of sentiment was what i had at the end of the evening; atleast it was something to fill the hole in my chest. 

To Frank and Jacob, I love you.  There will never be anyone better.  You are my family, my sister, my brother.  You have all been there for me even at my stubbornest; even when i wouldn't ask for help because my pride got in the way. The emotional ties that i have with all of you will never disipate. Thank you for being there still! For loving me for who i was, who i am, and who i am capable of being.

To Naturelle, Thank you.  From putting up with me at my worst to being an asshole when needed. You will forever be in my heart regardless of distance or time.  You taught me a few things just by being around you; those lessons i will not forget.  Just know that you are both physically and mentally beautiful to me. Your talent is limitless if you let it be. Your confidence astounds me. You seem to know what you want, and of that i am envious.

To Naturelle, Frank and Jacob, I will be back.  I made a promise that I would be back.  You all know i don't make a promise unless I keep it.  I don't know when, or in what condition, but I will be back. Until my prison term is over, be safe. Don't let things become out of sight, out of mind.  I think about you all constantly. I miss you all and love you.

Nic